AIM: To prove, or dispel as myth, the adage that everything is better in France.

HYPOTHESIS: A desperate wish for the evening’s entertainment that the former is true.

BACKGROUND RESEARCH: Last weekend, when I went to Amsterdam, my rideshare driver was telling me that the French sauce hollandaise doesn’t actually exist in the Netherlands as their national dish of meat, boiled potato and veg is covered by no more than butter. Actually, (he rolled his eyes to indicate the situation was worst than this first impression) since post-WWII shortages meant that Dutch butter was used as international export currency, tastes in the older generation have changed, and the national sauce is now… margarine.

Furthermore, crème anglaise is custard, but a magnificent French reinvention of custard. I think that’s enough to count as solid scientific research.

EQUIPMENT FOR EXPERIMENT: Two bottles of cheap wine, purchased in a Saturday morning rush when everything else was closed except for discount supermarket, ED, which has even gained an infamous status in French hip-hop as so cheap, it’s not even worth their while to bother about shoplifters.

One is a Bordeaux, revealed at the checkout to be not exactly the one I intended to pick up (the only time I’ve been left wishing that it was an accidental under-scan). The other, a Beaujolais Nouveau, I had always been curious about, given the strength of their global advertising campaigns. By twists of fate, I always seem to be made aware of the new season’s release, but had never actually tried it. Guillaume was aghast when he saw what I had brought home, until I protested my innocent curiosity.

“It’s the same for the French. Every year we know it will be awful, but every year we try it nonetheless. It’s like the Foster’s beer of Australia – no self-respecting local will admit to drinking it, but somehow it does wonders with spin and the export market.”

METHOD: I’ve opened both bottles well in advance. I thought if a good wine needs an hour to breathe properly before service, then bad wines might need a couple.

I think I’ve pulled a bicep in the process of opening the Bordeaux, but it smells a lot more promising that the Beaujolais Nouveau.

RESULTS: Both wines are far from poisonous. The Beaujolais Nouveau takes the gong for “most likely to be contained within a five litre cask” and the Bordeaux the encouragement award for “most promising cooking wine.”